Monthly Archives: July 2014

A Place Where Everybody is Welcome!

Special Needs Parenting, , , , , , ,

 

Coco

God saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all their multitude. (Gen 1:31-2:1 NRSV)

A sign I have lived in Texas for a long time: Yesterday my husband came home from work and found me relaxing on the back patio. “My car says it’s 95 degrees!  Aren’t you hot?” I was sure he was wrong.  It felt lovely! I checked the temperature on a weather app.  96 degrees.  Well, he was wrong…

Being around creation recharges my batteries. I simply have to get outside and enjoy the beauty of what God made.  A perfect respite for me is time with my cat Coco, my furry and feathered friends who come to my backyard feeder, and a splashing fountain to provide just the right background music. Bliss!

God made it all and called it good.

We have a highly inclusive bird feeder, which doubles as a squirrel feeder.  I keep it on the ground for more convenience to me and the squirrel. We take everybody who comes and everybody gets what they want.  I think about their needs. Blue Jays? More peanuts! Cardinals? More safflower and sunflower seeds! Mockingbirds? Sliced apples and fresh berries hit the pan.  Our garden is planted to attract bees, butterflies and hummingbirds.  Water, food, shade.  My yard is haven for all and I make sure it is inviting and inclusive to everyone.

Years ago I watched a man feeding doves. He only liked a certain variety.  When ones showed up he didn’t like he shooed them away, kicking sand toward them.  I wonder to this day what he had against those particular birds. Why weren’t welcome?  Granted, they were not as cute, not as agile, not as delicate as the ones he favored, but they were special in their own way. Besides, God made them all and called them good.

Inclusion means making a place for everyone, welcoming whoever comes.  Jesus said, “Let the children come to me.”  He didn’t kick sand at the ones who weren’t “cute and agile.” He made space for them.  All of them. It’s no coincidence that many of the stories of Jesus were about people with special needs. Those were his people. Jesus was inclusive.

All means all.

This past June I met a pastor who leads a worship service where truly “all means all.” Leslie Neugent at Wayzata Community Church in Wayzata, Minnesota thinks outside the box about how to do inclusive worship.  Her service, Parables, is led by and for families with special needs, attracting over 100 worshipers on a typical Sunday. How do they attract so many?  The key is the right invitation.  I don’t mean one they print and hand out, though they likely do that too. I mean Leslie and her team are intentional about thinking about what families need.  A safe place where noises are allowed? Not a problem! A child who wants to be in the center of the action? Fantastic!  The more volunteers the better! Pattern and predictability work best for your family? You got it!  Familiar songs, short sermons, lots of activity for all levels. Check out more Parables worship here for ideas to share with your church: http://www.wayzatacommunitychurch.org/pages/page.asp?page_id=229208

Attraction and inclusion come through thinking about who we care to welcome and then providing a welcoming environment, whether it is a backyard or a church.  God made us all and calls us good, too. I am so grateful to serve our God of inclusion.

Photo: Backyard Friends by Lorna Bradley

May God Bless You and Keep You

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Time For Family

Peer pressure, bullying, and simply trying to fit in can lead any child to make wrong choices.  When you add to the mix our kids who can struggle socially due to their differences, the desire to be part of the crowd (or just have one friend – PLEASE!) can pull our kids in directions we certainly would not choose. How do we raise kids who are grounded? At a recent lunch and learn event, Rabbi Ranon Teller of Brith Shalom Congregation talked about Jewish traditions and how they are effective in raising young people who are grounded.  He had my undivided attention. He pointed to three pillars that are part of Shabbat (Sabbath): ritual, Sabbath rest and blessing.

Ritual

On Shabbat, the family gathers for a meal Friday night beginning at sun down.  In this tradition, all family members are present and seated at the table together enjoying a meal without interruptions. No excuses accepted for other things that need attention. A key piece is simply the ritual, the intention and practice of making it a priority to be together. In this, the family disconnects from the outside world and reconnects with each other.  Studies show that over time American families eat together less and less. Conversely, families that do eat together are more resilient and have improved communication between members.  A healthy body happens with intentional regular action. We can say we want to have a healthy body and that it is important to us, but for that ideal to become a reality we need to develop regular practices of healthy eating and exercise.  A healthy body comes through regularly repeated activities. And so it goes for the health of the family. Building family closeness and connection requires regular practices as well, such as the ritual of a gathered meal and time that is set aside just for the family. (Family game night, anyone? Pizza and a movie? Build the best ice cream sundae contest?)

Sabbath

Sabbath is the practice is disconnecting from the business and work of everyday life and setting aside a time of rest.  In the Jewish tradition, part of that rest includes disconnection from technology.  (I hear wailing and gnashing of teeth. Some of that noise is coming from me!)Engaging with technology draws focus and energy away from those gathered together.  Rabbi Teller told of families placing technological devices in a basket and intentionally setting them aside. Disconnecting from iPads, gaming devices, and cell phones encourages deeper connection within the family. I tried it and it really works. On a recent date night my husband and I did something we had not done in years. We left our phones at home. On purpose!

Blessing

In the Jewish tradition of Shabbat, parents bless their children in prayer, often with the priestly benediction:

May God bless you and keep you.

May God shine light and be gracious to you.

May God show you kindness and grant you peace. (Numbers 6:24-26 NRSV)

 

Showering your child with the gift of regular prayer and blessing teaches them of God’s love, as well as your love, for them. Also, the power of prayer is an amazing thing in the life of a child.  Never under-estimate what God does through prayer.  Prayer itself can become a ritual.  I used to pray with my son every day before he got on the bus to go to school. It was just a brief prayer about asking God to protect him, bless him and give him the ability to handle the day.  Several years into this tradition I started attending seminary.  As I was leaving that first night for class my son came bounding down the stairs and said I could not leave yet because we had not prayed.  He offered a blessing to me, a simple prayer that left me blessed in more ways than one.

What are your family rituals?  Are there ones you would like to start?  How do you take a Sabbath rest and disconnect from the demands of the world?  When and how do you bless your child and family?

 

“Time for Family” Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Run, Run, Run

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Racetrack

“Later you get pie!” Words to live by shouted to me by a cheering spectator as I ran mile after mile in a recent half marathon. Seriously, spending my calorie bank after a race makes me very happy. One of my favorite parts of running races is the motivational signs. Okay, that and the finish line.

I enjoy reading the funny signs along the course:
Better hurry! People are chasing you!
Worst parade ever!
Free bananas ahead!
The end is near! (Held by a person dressed like the grim reaper).

When I am starting to feel a little tired around mile 8 or 10, inspiration is a fine thing:
Never, never, never, give up
Focus on how far you’ve come, not how far you have to go
The voice in your head that says “you can’t” is a liar

Wouldn’t it be great for us special needs parents if we had motivational signs to encourage us with the task of parenting?

To the parent on the start of a quest for a diagnosis: Never, never, never give up!
It took our family 17 years to move through ADHD, OCD, Tourettes, and anxiety diagnoses finally to have a name for all those behaviors. Asperger’s. Someone out there has the answer.

To the parent of a middle-schooler dealing with hormones coming into play and new sets of challenges: Focus on how far you’ve come, not how far you have to go! Infancy gave way to the preschool and elementary years. Those are all behind you now and you have raised a remarkable child. Job well done! Stretch your arm high in the air, bend it, and give yourself a good pat on the back for the awesome job you have done. Look how far you have come!

To the parent who has reached the limit: The voice in your head that says “you can’t” is a liar! Are you taking time to care for yourself? How can you make that a priority? All those folks who say, “Call me if you need anything.” Call them. Really. They want you to because they care. It doesn’t mean you are weak. It means you are human. Even Jesus took a break from time to time to go away for respite so he could return to his work in ministry refreshed and renewed. Plus, he didn’t go it alone. He depended on his friends. If it worked for Jesus, it’s worth trying.

The Bible is full of motivation for special needs parents.

“Run with perseverance the race set before us.” (Hebrews 12:1b, NRSV)
“I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13, NRSV)
“Do not worry about anything…” (Philippians 4:3a, NRSV)
“Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28 NRSV)

Parenting is a sacred duty and the most important thing we get to do with our lives. As special needs parents, we have a heaping big portion of parenting. Fortunately, we have a heaping big God helping us, cheering us on for the road ahead.

Image “Racetrack” courtesy of Photokanok / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Please Hear Me

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Bend down, O LORD, and hear my prayer; answer me, for I need your help. Protect me, for I am devoted to you. Save me, for I serve you and trust you. You are my God. Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am calling on you constantly. Give me happiness, O Lord, for I give myself to you. (Psalms 86:1-4 NLT)

My husband and I have the good fortune of commuting together and we enjoy listening to TED Talks to fill the time in the carpool on mornings when the caffeine has not yet gotten on board to create energy for conversations. Recently we heard Afghan war veteran Wes Moore talking about the experiences of veterans returning from war. He said he used to say to soldiers, “Thank you for your service,” because he thought it sounded right. He heard others saying it and so he did too.  He came to realize as a veteran himself that what veterans really need is for someone to hear their story, to understand their experience. Per Wes, often veterans feel ignored and the message they get is that their service didn’t matter.

They feel invisible.

Sound familiar? I never thought before of the connection between veterans and special needs parents, but it is most certainly there. People say things meaning well, “What a blessing!” or “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” To them it sounds right and they feel the need to say something, but to my ears it is not all that helpful to hear.  What is more helpful is the person who sees beyond behaviors to the family, sees beyond diagnosis to the people, and then takes the time hear the story. The simple request of, “Tell me about your week,” sure is much more helpful and meaningful.  We don’t need a knight in shining armor to ride in and fix it.  We just want someone to listen and care that what we do is hard and what we do matters.

I’ve learned in years of ministry with special needs families that when a parent asks, “Do you have some time?” that means they have a story they need to share. I used to feel the need to “fix it.” In time I learned that ,mostly, they need me to sit and listen and pray for them.  That’s all. There is healing simply in telling the story and being heard. Every parent needs someone to sit in compassion with them and hear their story.

One of the things I like most about the Psalms is they are filled with reminders that God hears us. God is attentive to our prayers. God is a good listener, even when we lack the words to speak.

Blessings to you this week!

You can watch Wes Moore’s Ted Talk at:

Learning to Be a Wide Receiver

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Kiel-Baltic-Hurricanes-Spieler

I received some good advice via a devotional the other day.  It asked me if I had been a giver for so long that I had forgotten how to receive.  I needed that reminder. I get caught up at times in doing for others. I actually enjoy helping and doing and supporting. I suppose that is how special needs parents are wired.  It’s written into the job description. It’s the side dish that comes with that great big heaping portion of parenting.  Don’t get me wrong. It’s a role I love. I’m just keeping it real. It’s hard to keep up with everything else in life. It’s easy for days to turn into a list of, “I should have… I need to… I wish there was time for…”

My son comes by his love of animals naturally.  When I was growing up there was a lake across the street from my house.  As a child I spent countless hours there feeding the ducks. I loved tossing out whole slices of bread, setting off a feeding frenzy with ducks devouring in seconds with hungry bills, which eagerly turned my direction for more.  So more I gave, to my delight and theirs. More and more and more, until there was nothing left.

There are days when I feel like that slice of bread. Gobbled up and not enough. Not nearly enough.

That’s the time to remind myself about the receiving.  I’m a lousy receiver. I don’t like asking for help.  I once spent over an hour in a library looking a children’s book to use for a children’s sermon illustration.  The librarian was right there.  She even asked if I needed help.  My answer? “No, but thanks for offering.”

Do you catch yourself doing that?  Turning down help that is freely offered, even when you need it?

It’s okay to be a receiver. It is not a sign a weakness. It’s a gift to the givers in the world who need someone to receive their gift.  By not being willing to receive, I take away someone else’s blessing, as well as my own.

In the Gospel of John, the resurrected Jesus appeared to the disciples.

Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you.” When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit.” (John 20:21-22 NRSV)

How wise of them not to say, “No, but thanks for offering.”

 

photo credit:

Kiel-Baltic-Hurricanes-Spieler

by Torsten Bolten