Monthly Archives: November 2014

Home for the Holidays

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Thanksgiving

Know that the LORD is God. It is he that made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise. Give thanks to him, bless his name. (Psalm 100:3-4 NRSV)

My favorite holiday is just a few days away and my son is coming home.  I can’t wait! I’ve been so excited I’ve gotten a bit carried away buying or making his favorite things to eat. One person cannot possibly eat that much. His dad and I may need to help.

This is the first year that Craig has traveled to be with us, another milestone in his growing independence. When he was young, holiday travel was full of challenges. It got so complicated that we stopped going to visit others.  It turns out airplanes fly BOTH directions and if others wanted to see us for the holidays it was easier for them to come to us than for us to go to them. They were welcome to come, but often did not. “Home for the Holidays” took on a new meaning as we madeit a tradition to stay home. Our holidays were much simpler than the ones I had when I grew up, but they were just right size and fit for Craig.  In time, they became the right size and fit for me too. I used to worry he was short-changed, but in hindsight I see that the way we celebrate was less-overwhelming, less hectic, less frustrating. Smaller and simpler isn’t less, smaller and simpler is a blessing.

Embrace simplicity this holiday season. Live in the moment and treasure making memories in simple pleasures. Enjoy the many blessings God has shared with you and your family.

Gracious God, thank you for how you have blessed my family. Sometimes I get so busy that I do not notice how truly blessed I am. In this season of giving thanks, let me most of all give thanks to you for all that you are all that you have done. Your love and abundance and blessing amazes me. Amen.

Photo “Home for the Holidays” by Lorna Bradley

Leading online support groups…Lorna Bradley

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Providing support and nurture to special needs parents is at the heart of my minsitry. Recently I had the opportunity through Key Minsitry to pilot an online support group. This was a something new for me and Key Ministry as well. I want to share with my followers what I learned in the process in case any of you want to try starting your own group. Feel free to get in touch if you have questions about how best to use this format for connecting with other parents.

Dr. G's avatarChurch4EveryChild

Lorna_Bradley“Can you hear me now?” Leading online support groups at times may feel a bit like a Verizon commercial as you iron out the technical issues some may experience when videoconferencing for the first time. However, once the technology becomes familiar to everyone online support groups create pathways of connection and support for even the most isolated of special needs parents.

Recently Dr. Steve Grcevich at Key Ministry provided to me the opportunity to lead a seven-week special needs parent support group online using material I wrote that will be published in early 2015. The purpose of the book is threefold. First, I want to provide a solid theological understanding of God’s presence and love in the midst of the journey with special needs. Second, I want to provide practical strategies for coping with challenges faced by virtually every special needs parent: grief, guilt, patience, self-care, and relationships. Third, I…

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Just a Typical Day

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David as Luke Skywalker

                                             I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go;                                                     I will counsel you with my eye upon you. (Psalm 32:8 NRSV)

A few weeks ago I had a “quote of the day” that will not be topped for quite some time.

David (nine year-old boy): I’ve had the best year of my life.  Want to know why?

Me: Sure.  Why?

David: (Proudly) I didn’t throw up once!

David’s parents: (Shocked) David! There are things you don’t talk about at dinner!

Me: (Trying really hard not to laugh) Congratulations! Let’s hope this year is a repeat!

I had a most unusual experience a few weeks ago. Well, unusual for me. I spent the day with a typically developing child. Somehow I lost sight of the fact that typically developing children just aren’t part of my world. Being empty nesters, I’m not often around young children and when I am they usually have special needs.

I traveled to Minnesota for my ministry and mixed in a bit of fun by spending time with friends I’ve known for years. I also met in person for the first time their son David, a friendly, energetic and interesting boy.  He’s a Star Wars nerd like me so we hit it off right away. The photo above is his impression of Luke Skywalker gazing at the twin suns of Tattoine. It takes a fellow nerd to spot that pose for what it is! He greeted me with a gift, a quarter, and a thank you note for some cookies I baked and mailed to him years ago when he didn’t feel well.  He wasn’t tardy mailing it. I was tardy coming by for a visit to receive it.  He was keeping it to hand-deliver.  How sweet is that? I have his note and quarter sitting on my desk.

What I found so interesting is that throughout the day Roy and Darcy dealt with many of the same things we do as special needs parents. Social boundaries, rules, taking turns, all of it was woven into the pattern of the day. It was just plain old parenting, not the uber-steroid version of parenting so many of us experience.  I’m pretty sure no therapists, behaviorists, or compliance plans were involved.

We went to a botanical garden to enjoy the fall foliage and brisk north wind, a real treat for a Texan in October! It was a bit dull for David with no playground and plenty of signs warning, “Keep Off the Grass.” Following the rules, check. Carrying on a four way conversation, taking turns and figuring out how to jump in with something to say, check.  Practicing table manners, check. Sharing appropriate table conversations, check! Parenting is constantly teaching and redirecting, and my friends are great at it. I marveled at the energy Roy and Darcy had to keep up with David. I was impressed by the constant attention and consistent approach they brought to parenting.

As special needs parents we may feel a bit of envy at what appears to be an easier path for some. It seems to me that it ought to be simpler to parent a typical child. After my day with David I do not think that is necessarily true. Sure, there are things that we deal with that other parents don’t, such as therapy appointments, behavior plans, developmental limitations and medications. But parenting itself, the teaching and forming, the shaping of behaviors, is a lot of work. Being good parents has much to do with and the gifts and graces we share with our kids as we shepherd them toward adulthood. I thank my friends Roy and Darcy for reminding me that all parents share this same bond. It may have been a typical day for them, but it was a day of learning for me.

Loving Father, thank you for shaping us with love, leading and teaching us to live in ways that are pleasing to you. Help us to be for our children the parents that you call us to be, formed in your image. Forgive us for the times when we fall short as parents and help us learn to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes. May we grow in your grace as we grow in our roles as moms and dads. Amen.

Photo by Roy Mayeda

Confusion About Inclusion

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Help And Care For Disabled Person by Teerapun

People were bringing little children to him in order that he might touch them; and the disciples spoke sternly to them. But when Jesus saw this, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the little children come to me; do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. (Mark 10:13-14 NRSV)

I wish Jesus had been more specific in his command, “Let the little children come to me.” For some reason it seems to cause a lot of confusion.

That’s right. There is confusion about inclusion.

For some, inclusion means there is a space and activity offered that is appropriate to a particular person’s needs.  For others, inclusion means being in the same room with everyone else doing what they are doing alongside them. The way that individual participates may be different from everyone else, but they are still part of the bigger group.  To my way of thinking, those are both examples of inclusion.  It all depends on the perspective of the individual.

Inclusion is whatever feels welcoming and comfortable to the person who wishes to be included. For some, that means having  a separate space and activities geared to their unique needs.  For others it means jumping in with everyone else and feeling welcomed to do so. If they don’t feel welcome and wanted, then it isn’t inclusive.

Surprisingly, folks can be rather divided on this topic, which I find puzzling. Thinking of my own experiences raising a child with special needs there were times when what others decided was inclusive didn’t feel at all inclusive to us. My son is greatly bothered by loud noise due to life on the autism spectrum. His time in student ministry when they gathered and listened to loud praise music for fifteen minutes prior to breaking into small groups was stimulatory torture.  In his case, being inclusive by saying “just come be part of the group, you are welcome to join us,” didn’t work.  From his perspective, it was like a weekly invitation to listen to fingernails on a chalkboard.  It also triggered obsessive thoughts about hearing damage that were only relieved by taking him for hearing screening. Following the example of Jesus each Sunday morning he went away to a quiet place alone, though in his case it had more to do with sanity than piety. He was welcome as part of the group, but he couldn’t tolerate being there. It really didn’t feel very welcoming despite good intentions. This was a great group of folks. I know they meant well, but…

Wouldn’t it have been nice for him to have company when he left the gathering? Wouldn’t it have been nice to have an alternate activity planned for him and others who share the same spectrum? Wouldn’t it have been nice to have a “non-loud” Sunday every once in a while so that everyone could be welcome as part of the larger group?  Any of those things would have felt much more inclusive and welcoming.

The best way to know what feels inclusive to those we wish to include in the church is to have a conversation and ask them. Then actually takes steps to make the needed modifications so that everyone feels welcomed and included.

This week Key Ministry is hosting Inclusion Fusion. It’s a chance to learn more from leaders in special needs ministry about how to offer inclusive ministries.  Check out this link to get the schedule of free webinars and to register:  www.inclusionfusion.tv. I’m looking forward to this opportunity to get fresh ideas and connect with others who love kids like ours.

Holy God, help us to hear those who ask for change and truly make a place for everyone. Amen.

“Help and Care for Diasbled Person”  Image courtesy of Teerapun at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Please Hear Me

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In honor of veterans today I want to share this blog once more.

On this veterans day I am thankful for those who serve and pray for peace.

Rev Doc Lorna's avatarSpecial Needs Parenting

Bend down, O LORD, and hear my prayer; answer me, for I need your help. Protect me, for I am devoted to you. Save me, for I serve you and trust you. You are my God. Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am calling on you constantly. Give me happiness, O Lord, for I give myself to you. (Psalms 86:1-4 NLT)

My husband and I have the good fortune of commuting together and we enjoy listening to TED Talks to fill the time in the carpool on mornings when the caffeine has not yet gotten on board to create energy for conversations. Recently we heard Afghan war veteran Wes Moore talking about the experiences of veterans returning from war. He said he used to say to soldiers, “Thank you for your service,” because he thought it sounded right. He heard others saying it and so he did too.  He came…

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Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. What do I love about it?  It’s a holiday without a big fuss. Okay, there is a meal, but I enjoy cooking and the day really isn’t about the turkey and whether or not it’s dry. What I like is that Thanksgiving doesn’t come with expectations. If I drop a card in the mail to a friend or give a small gift to someone I am thankful for, in the month of November that is just a thoughtful gesture. Come December, the bar gets raised substantially on that whole card-sending, gift-giving thing.

Thanksgiving Day itself is about simply sharing a good meal with family and friends. It brings back childhood memories of a houseful of people at grandma’s, sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor with my cousins, putting pitted black olives from the relish tray on my fingers like little puppets and savoring the salty brine as I ate them one by one.

Mainly, Thanksgiving is about thanking God for an abundance of blessings. Thanksgiving is simple and beautiful from start to finish when I focus is on what is important.

One day of thanksgiving isn’t nearly enough. For the past several years I have celebrated Thirty Days of Thanksgiving and write down every day in the month of November something for which I am thankful . Time and again I come back to my son. I am thankful for milestones that I thought would never come.  I am thankful for the sense of acceptance for the milestones that will never be. I am thankful for a sense of hope in a future that is yet to be revealed. I am thankful to be a parent to a remarkable young man who inspires me every day.

I am also thankful for other parents on the journey with me who encouraged me when I was unsure and who allow me to encourage them when they need it too. Years ago the Apostle Paul wrote to a dearly loved church in Philippi. This small group of followers encouraged each other and lifted each other up when they needed it. Paul opens his letter to them:

I thank my God every time I remember you, constantly praying with joy in every one of my prayers for all of you (Philippians 1:3-4 NRSV).

These were Paul’s people, the ones who had his back when times were hard, and the ones he encouraged and guided when they needed it too. These were Paul’s people and special needs parents are my people.

My thanksgiving today, and every day, is for parents who raise remarkable children and for the communities that surround them with unconditional love and support.

God of many blessings, I thank you for parents who are strong and parents in need of strength. I thank you for those who have wisdom and those who seek it. I thank you for those filled with hope and those who struggle. Woven together, parents strengthen each other. I thank you for the gift of community. Amen.

Image “Thank You on Post It Note” courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net