Feel Like a Sandwich?

Special Needs Parenting, , ,

Sandwich With Eggplant, Tomatoes, Peppers And Cheese by Apolonia

Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you. (Exodus 20:12 NRS)

I think sandwiches are great.  So much so, I have become one myself.  Yep, that’s me. Part of the sandwich generation. I have a son who is maturing and gradually needing me less and mother who has a variety of health concerns and is needing me more. My mom took great care of me while I was growing up. I’m glad to return the favor. I recently traveled to care for her during full knee replacement. I had delusions of getting writing done while there. Ha! Knee rehab is a full-time job for all involved.  I did succeed, however, in stocking her freezer to the bursting point with individual portions of her favorite home-cooked meals, plus a batch of homemade strawberry jam for good measure.

Being part of the sandwich generation is a role I’m glad to fill in the midst of being a wife, mother, pastor, writer and speaker. It’s a role that comes with choices. I didn’t want mom to know I was missing my 30 year anniversary in order to be with her, but she figured it out. She knows I keep pretty busy with my ministry, so I spared her the details on deadlines. Nevertheless, she noticed my computer was on A LOT.  Oftentimes those of us in the sandwich generation need to decide between two or more important things, choosing which is more pressing at the moment.  In this case it was not at all a hard choice to make.

Any parent in the sandwich generation feels the extra needs within the extended family. For special needs parents it is more so. We run the risk of being stretched too thin while juggling many needs. On the day of Mom’s surgery it was the fourth day in a row I had woken up in a different place across three different time zones. As my alarm clock beeped rudely I had that disconcerting sense of “Where am I? Why am I here? What time is it?”

I was where I needed to be, with mom, getting her to the hospital on time, calming her nerves and my own. Life went from hyper-speed to the speed of a walker powered by wincing baby steps. Blessings come in many surprising ways.  I took a page from my own book regarding self-care and, once Mom was to the point of having a less painful day, I got out of the house for an hour and a half to run along the coastal hills of California. When my college roommate offered to stop by with lunch I gratefully took her up on it and we enjoyed an afternoon of giggles that was far too brief.

Along about day six or seven after surgery, days filled with multiple ice therapies, massages and stretching, Mom said, “Well, one thing you certainly got right is honoring your mother.  I feel so loved and cared for.”

Yes. I’m where I need to be, and glad to be there. Truthfully, it feels pretty good to be loved and needed by both generations.

Gracious God, thank you for calling me to be where I am needed most.  Help me to be enough. Amen

Lorna Bradley

Photo “Sandwich With Eggplant, Tomatoes, Peppers And Cheese” by Apolonia from FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Hope for Healthy Relationships

Special Needs Parenting, , , ,

Special Needs Parenting Cover

Recently I published the first in what I hope to be a series of books offering support to special needs parents. Today I am sharing an excerpt from chapter six. I hope it is a blessing to you.

But Ruth replied, “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. Ruth 1:16 NLT

Relationships are critically important to personal and family resilience.  Maintaining healthy relationships within the family and developing friendships help create a network of support as well as emotional reserves for current and upcoming challenges. The need for relationships among special needs parents is a large part of my motivation for writing material for use by small groups.  One of the greatest gifts parents who are overwhelmed can receive is the knowledge that they are not alone. The relationships that come through meeting others on the same journey provide meaningful connections and support.

Since healthy relationships are an important part of building resilience in special needs parents, where to begin?

  • Set priorities. Which are the relationships you value most? Which are the relationships most in need of nurture? Spouse? Child? Friends? Set priorities to focus your attention there. A pastor I know shared that he and his wife make an intentional priority to set aside a few evenings each month to nurture relationships with other couples so that they have friendships.
  • Understand the difference between acquaintances and friends. Social media announces our friend count and number of connections. Who can you really count on when needed? Who can hear your disappointments without judgment? Who is willing to work through challenges with you? Do you return the favor? Those are your real friends.
  • Create space for the important relationships. In my household we have “family time” pretty much every weeknight. We read together or watch a show or share a meal. Studies show the simple act of eating together builds family resilience as it engages four relationship building blocks (loving action, time, communication, and healthy boundaries). My husband and I set a priority for a weekly date night. For my most valued friendships I try to keep regular contact and get together as often as possible.
  • Pay attention to the give-and-take of relationships. Are you giving too much and in need of getting something more back? Are you taking too much yourself? Relationships should have a rhythm to them. At times we are in need and at times we are the ones offering support. Relationships that lack a balance of give and take become draining over time for the person who is always in the mode of giving.
  • Enjoy being a parent. Yes, there are therapies to do, medications to administer, schedules to watch, behaviors to observe and modify. Just remember you are a parent and not a caseworker even though it sure can feel that way at times.
  • Set healthy boundaries between you and your child. I often experience among special needs parents a sense of a blurring of that boundary. I have heard the pronoun “we” countless times. “We got a low grade on the math test.” “We had a rough day at school.” “We forgot our medication.” “We had five seizures last night.”

Healthy relationships are an important part of the journey with special needs. In challenging times it is especially important to have a core of support. I opened with a well-known verse from the story of Ruth. Naomi had lost her husband and her two sons, who were also married. In Naomi’s culture, a woman’s status and security resided in her connections with the men in her family. Her worth was tied to fertility. All three of the widows were in a precarious situation, but especially so for Naomi. Unlike Naomi, her daughters-in-law were young and could hold onto hope of another marriage. Yet, in the midst of the darkest of times Naomi had a core relationship with her daughter-in-law Ruth that provided support. The health of her relationship with her daughter-in-law revealed itself in her Ruth’s fierce loyalty. Their mutual support sustained them both through the hardest of times. It may seem difficult to set a high priority to build healthy relationships with so many other pressing needs. However, healthy relationships are a key tool to personal resilience for the journey ahead.

Special Needs Parenting: From Coping to Thriving is available at Huff Publishing.

When Every Day is Autism Awareness Day

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Autism Awareness Day

Is it already World Autism Awareness Day? The year just flew by, but then again it is autism awareness day everyday at my house. Last year my grand experiment in building awareness got me a little more than I bargained for…

On Wednesday, April 2 2014, I joined in with celebrating World Autism Awareness Day. The tagline of the day was “Light it up blue!” and so I did.  I updated Facebook with a blue cover photo and profile pic, all promoting autism awareness. I also dressed in blue, celebrating the many people in my life impacted by autism, including my son.

Figuring out what to wear was a bit of a challenge.  I discovered at the last minute that I do not have much blue in my professional wardrobe, but one royal blue cardigan peeked out among a rack of long sleeves. Putting it on, I recalled something else I own that went perfectly with that royal blue sweater, a magnificent fascinator filled with feathers and tulle. I bought it for a trip to the Kentucky Derby that never happened. Just the perfect thing to add a bit of whimsy to a day of celebration for friends whose lives could use to be celebrated publicly much more often. Upon arrival at the office, I clipped on the fascinator at the oh-so-perfect, jaunty angle (no small task that!), snapped a selfie, posted it and tagged my many friends whose lives are touched by ASD.

Originally, I meant to remove my hat after the selfie. I felt a bit self-conscious in the office.  I thought, “If I wear this hat, I’m going to get funny looks and have to explain it all day long.” Then again, isn’t that what an AWARENESS day is for? Creating awareness?  If I just wore blue, I reasoned no one would think that was out of the ordinary. But sporting a headful of feathers and tulle? That’s a whole other matter!

What started as my grand social experiment in creating awareness became something else entirely by the end of the day. At first, it was kind of novel. I encountered the anticipated funny looks and immediately explained to each person why I was wearing a hat. By the time I had done it, five times, ten times, the novelty faded.  It got to the point that I skipped over a few opportunities for explanation and just walked on by, accepting the funny looks and occasional humorous comment.  By noon I found myself almost hiding in my office, knowing that another trip down the hall would be another encounter.  It grew old getting odd stares.  I debated removing my hat. It would have been so easy to just take it off and be “normal.”

I wonder how often people with autism wish they could simply take it off. Wouldn’t it be nice not to get the quizzical looks for behavior that isn’t what others expect? Even just for a while? As a parent of a son with Asperger’s, I’ve felt those stares weighing on me and on my son, especially when he was younger. That repeated question from those who don’t understand, “Why can’t he just (fill in the blank – behave, be quiet, eat what everyone else is eating, etc.)? Well, the answer is he can’t, at least not on that day.  It’s not a choice.  Asperger’s, like other special needs, is not something that can be taken off. My hiding in the office and avoiding the break room reminded me of times when my son was young and I longed to take him to the playground, but knew that was not a place where he met with much success. I would gaze out my dining room window toward the playground. If there were other children and parents there, and it had been a challenging day, I knew we just couldn’t go that day.

In the parent support groups that I lead, we’ve all experienced times when we get tired of receiving “the look” and choose to withdraw. It’s easier to be alone, or so we tell ourselves.  It is really isn’t. We are made for community. It reminds me of the story in the Gospel of John.  Jesus was walking through Samaritan territory and he stopped at a well in the middle of the day while it was hot and no one else was around.  Soon a woman came, one who chose to isolate herself from stares and whispers, coming to the well in the hot afternoon sun when others were at home. It was easier for her to be alone, too. But it really wasn’t. And Jesus knew it. By the end of her conversation with Jesus, she was restored to community. So eager was she to get back to her people, that she left her water jug by the well and ran all the way back to her village, inviting others to come and see Jesus for themselves. That is what Christ does for us. He restores us and calls us out of isolation and into community.  Yes, even us with lives touched by special needs.

This reminds me of the amazing story of a church that embraced Max and Emily Colson. Emily posted a blog that went viral sharing her experience of a cruel movie audience that heckled, jeered and mocked, driving Emily and her son Max out of the theater due to Max’s autism. Their church stood beside them and rented out an entire theater so that 500 people could attend Movie with Max.  Their church celebrated autism awareness, not with a splash of blue, but by embracing and including.

Our need for inclusion and understanding is part of the fabric of our beings of which we are wonderfully woven by God. Living into inclusion involves creating awareness in whatever way we can, whether at a movie theater with 500 of our closest friends, or wearing a silly hat to the office. When we stay engaged, even when it is hard, it is one more chance to shine the light of Christ for the ones in our lives who put the “awesome” in autism.

 Lorna Bradley

Special Needs Parenting Introduction

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 Special Needs Parenting Cover

Today I am sharing with my readers an excerpt from the introduction of my book, Special Needs Parenting: From Coping to Thriving.

I have hit the bottom of the tank today. We had our annual review at the school, and it’s so hard to hear in concrete terms how delayed my son is. I know it. None of this information is new, but it’s so hard to hear again. I worry about his future, let alone how we will afford all of his therapies today. Every single day there is so much to do that I feel I can barely keep up. The needs are unending, and I am not nearly enough.

—Blog Post, Anonymous

 Have you ever been that parent? I have. My experience isn’t exactly the same as my friend’s recent blog post, but it resonates in many ways. Challenging behaviors at school? Yes! Worry about my son’s future? Yes! Endlessly running around to therapy appointments? Yes! A sense at times of being overwhelmed in day-to-day parenting? Yes! A view of the future shaded by anxiety? Yes!

Our journeys as special needs parents are as varied as the differences among our children. Each child is unique and precious in the sight of God, and there is no other exactly like our own. Yet there are common challenges and common experiences shared among us as special needs parents. As clergy, I have led a variety of parenting support groups for more than five years and it never ceases to amaze me that, regardless of how varied the diagnoses within each family, there are common cords that bind us together emotionally and spiritually. Throughout the years I have seen healing of deeply held emotional and spiritual wounds through coming together in a supportive, welcoming Christian community and working through our challenges together.

My journey toward writing Special Needs Parenting: From Coping to Thriving began years ago when members in my congregation asked me to lead a Bible study for special needs parents. I looked for a resource I could grab off a bookstore shelf that would address the emotional and spiritual concerns of the special needs parents and had limited success. I was in the midst my studies in a doctoral program at the time and I realized that I had found an area of tremendous need for resources within the church. This epiphany changed not only my academic focus, but the trajectory of my ministry.

Through my personal journey as a special needs mom, my experiences as clergy walking with families with special needs, and academic research into how best to build family resilience, I developed a seven-week study. Each chapter addresses a common challenge and offers a positive perspective grounded in scripture and practical tools that can be revisited again and again.

  • God and Special Needs
  • Understanding Chronic Grief
  • Breaking Free from Guilt
  • Tools to Increase Patience
  • Self-care for Caregivers
  • Building Healthy Relationships
  • Hope and Healing

Whether parents read Special Needs Parenting: From Coping to Thriving as part of a small group study or read it individually, I pray this book provides both insights into a loving God and practical tools for the journey ahead. Encouraging special needs parents is at the heart of my calling in ministry, and I hope that the book will be a blessing.

Next week I will share a passage from chapter six, Building Healthy Relationships.

Special Needs Parenting: From Coping to Thriving is available at Huff Publishing and Amazon.

Blessings,

Lorna

Book Release!

Special Needs Parenting, , , , , ,

Books Arrived Watermarked

In many ways, writing a book is much like having a baby.  It involves a very long process of development and much excitement and anticipation toward the end until, finally, the day arrives.  I am delighted to let my blog readers know Special Needs Parenting: From Coping to Thriving has been released.  I wrote this book to offer emotional and spiritual support for parents and loved ones on the journey with special needs as part of living out my calling in ministry. The Hope and Healing Institute where I work has offered tremendous support to me during the research and writing process.  It has been a wonderful journey as I developed pilot support groups through a variety of settings. I have been blessed to meet inspiring parents and the time we spend together each week has been filled with holy moments, feeling the presence of God working within the lives of individuals seeking nurture and support.  The shared laughter and tears as we wrestle with some of life’s greatest challenges has forged friendships that will no doubt continue for years.

Special Needs Parenting is just making its way into distribution channels, yet as I spoke at the Faith Inclusion Network conference in Virginia Beach this past week I had my first encounter with a person who had already ordered my book. He attended my workshop and talked to me afterwards, telling me about how he plans to use the book in his ministry to special needs families.  In a way, my “baby” is taking its first toddling footsteps out into the world. It is nice to hear there are embracing arms waiting to welcome it!

In writing this book I opened a window into my private life as a special needs parent and share my journey freely with others.  I have been asked, “How on earth do you get the courage to write a book like that?” I understand the question. This book is written from a place of great vulnerability and I made a conscious decision to do so.  The reality is that all parents on the special needs journey regularly experience that vulnerability.  Is there a place for me and for my child?  Will we be accepted? Will we be judged for our differences?  As parents we can become fiercely protective, with the side-effect of also becoming isolated. In the willingness to share our vulnerability with each other, openly encountering in community our common emotional and spiritual challenges, we find there connection, understanding and healing. If I cannot reveal myself to my readers, how can I expect them to go without me to that vulnerable place of hope and healing?

In the coming weeks I will share excerpts of Special Needs Parenting: From Coping to Thriving in hopes that they will be a blessing to you.  If you would like to know more about Special Needs Parenting, click here for my website.  There you can learn more about the book, read feedback from past participants and discover what other disability ministry leaders have to say about this resource. Currently the book can be ordered through the publisher Huff Publishing and Amazon.

Blessings,

Rev Doc Lorna

 

 

Wandering Through the Woods

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Weston Woods Watermarked

He said to them, “Come away to a deserted place all by yourselves and rest a while.  (MarK 6:31 NRS)

This past weekend I had the opportunity to lead a retreat in the country.  We were a small gathering, but every person arrived with a sense of needing respite and renewal. Each left refreshed, armed with new tools of self-discovery and a sense of community.

The first day, with dry weather and an open afternoon, allowed time for exploration of walking paths on gently rolling hills past ponds and hay fields.  I came across a little worn path, Weston Woods.  My curiosity got the best of me as I stopped off the main, well-groomed trail and began meandering through the woods. Up and down I went, past creeks and the remains of bonfires of the past. The other paths were recognizable, carefully explained to me by my host.  But this path was unfamiliar and rugged. The solitude embraced me, my mind wondering all the while, “Why am I on this path? Should I be here? What lies ahead?”

The tracks of the deer put me at ease. The lasting impressions of their sturdy hooves in the soft soil told me I was heading someplace familiar to many, if not to me. The trees were so thick that I couldn’t see very far down the path where I was headed, but I trusted the ones who had gone there before to guide me. The reward for my patience revealed itself in an open meadow with one spectacular and ancient oak holding court in the center. How wonderful are the works of your hand, O God! Such beauty tucked away as a jewel awaiting discovery. The peaceful shade under its wide branches echoed to me Christ’s words, “Come away to a deserted place all by yourself and rest a while.”

My journey as a special needs parent reminds me of my time in the woods.  It was a world I entered by stepping off the familiar path of parenthood that I had expected, that one reserved for “typical parents” and for which I had carefully prepared.  I found myself wondering, “Why am I on this path? Should I be here? What lies ahead?” Even as I felt a little lost, I trusted the trailblazers who had gone before, following along in their footsteps. Moments of loneliness and shadow giving way to beauty and joy, discovering anew God’s promise that all of creation is beautifully and wonderfully made. My role is to trust and follow and allow the journey to unfold.

Guiding God, Thank you for leading when we cannot see the way. Thank you for renewal when we feel tired. Thank you for surprising us with beauty in unexpected places.  Amen

Focus on Marriage, Part 4: Staying Connected

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Golden Wedding Ring by Danilo Rizzuti courtesy of FreeDigitalphotos

“We are often too exhausted to care.  We co-parent, we just happen to be married.”

 Married with Special Needs Children: A Couples’ Guide to Staying Connected

Raising children with special needs takes a lot of time and attention. The time and attention spent nurturing a child necessarily come from some part of a parent’s life. Typically the time that couples have for each other can be dramatically reduced.  One of the key concerns parents have shared with me time and again is how little quality time they have with their spouse. What time they do have together is often spent in conversation about children. Gradually their relationship shifts further and further from receiving time and attention. In talking with parents they discussed common challenges:

  • Guilt
    • Feeling guilty for leaving your child
    • Feeling guilty for “imposing” on others for help so that you can have time alone with your spouse
    • Feeling guilty for needing a break
  • The need to tag team parent for a child who needs constant supervision
  • Busy schedules
  • Exhaustion
  • Placing all of your child’s needs ahead of your partner’s needs
  • Sleeping arrangements

With so many aspects of special needs life pulling for time and attention it is no wonder it can be a challenge to stay connected. It may take forming an intentional plan to help keep the relationship on track.  What aspects of your relationship with your spouse are most important? How can you move quality time in those areas to the center of attention for both of you?

Suggestions for staying connected:

  • Regularly set aside time to talk and listen.
  • Keep dating weekly or as often as you can, even if it is just meeting for lunch while children are at school. Look into respite programs through local churches or other special needs agencies with trained volunteers and staff who can offer specialized care.
  • Flirt with your spouse. Keep intimacy alive.
  • Evaluate sleeping arrangements. Who sleeps where and why? If sleeping with children in order to monitor their status overnight, technology can be helpful (seizure alert, video monitor, intercom).
  • Change your routine and look for new adventures. There is nothing wrong with “dinner and a movie,” but change it up every now and then. Create a scavenger hunt. Go to a concert. Play tourist in your own town.
  • Plan a surprise. A favorite story from a parent was of a time she came home from work and was surprised that her spouse drawn a hot bath, complete with candle light and spa music.  He told her, “I’ve got the kids and you’ve got 30 minutes until dinner.” Years later she still says it is one of the best gifts she ever received.
  • Check in regularly throughout the day. Even a quick phone call or text message lets your spouse know he or she is on your mind.
  • Show appreciation for even the smallest of tasks. Offer compliments.
  • Exercise together. Walking counts and also provides some alone time for quality conversation.
  • Share hobbies or at least show interest in your spouse’s hobbies. My spouse and I traded our hobbies of running and scuba diving.  Neither of us had the slightest interest at first, and I actually had a hefty dose of fear of drowning and fish with big teeth.  Once we started we found we really enjoyed each other’s activities. My spouse finished his second marathon last weekend and we have several scuba trips on the calendar.
  • Celebrate accomplishments, both big and small.

These are just a few suggestions for staying connected in the midst of parenting. I’d love to hear other ideas you have to share.

The rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken.” Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:22-24 NRS)

Loving God, We thank you for our life partners and the relationships that bless us with nurture and support.  At times the business of life causes us to pay less attention and receive less attention than we want. Help us to find pathways of connection to the ones who love us and know us best. Help us honor you in those relationships. Amen

Lorna Bradley

Golden Wedding Ring by Danilo Rizzuti courtesy of  FreeDigitalphotos

Focus on Marriage, Part 3: Careers and Roles

Special Needs Parenting, , , , , ,

Golden Wedding Ring by Danilo Rizzuti courtesy of FreeDigitalphotos

Career change is a key theme that emerged from my recent special needs marriage focus group.  When couples begin to raise a family, adding children to the household brings about big changes. Juggling two careers plus a family comes with challenges. Responsibility and roles within the household cannot help but shift. This happens even within typical families.  When special needs are present the impact to household roles and careers can be even greater.

According to statistical data evaluated by Dennis Hogan in Family Consequences of Children’s Disabilities, mothers in particular are less likely to return to full-time work if raising child with special needs than if raising a typically developing child.  The more severe the disability, the greater the likelihood that one parent will stay home. The parent who remains in the workforce often works two jobs or moves into a position that includes much travel due to those jobs offering a higher salary.

These trends within special needs households were reflected within my focus group. At least half of those participating gave up highly specialized careers in sales, accounting, medicine and performing arts.  Several changed from full-time to part-time employment, switching to less demanding jobs in order to be more available to their child and spouse. These career changes were not part of the plan when having children and parents felt the impact deeply. Issues of identity, purpose, and self-worth all came to light.  These are major life changes and cannot help but have an impact within a marriage as roles and responsibilities are resorted. Each parent found great value and rewards in having more time with their children. There were very positive blessings that came with that career shift. Those greatly helped balance some of what was missed, such as a dearly loved job, colleagues, and a higher income.

Much of our discussion boiled down to a sense of purpose. Our purpose in life changes right along with careers and roles. I recall on my own journey with special needs parenting that I needed to re-arrange my career as my son’s needs became more clear as he grew from being a toddler and into pre-school and beyond. I gave up a full-time career and stayed home for several years, gradually adding back part-time employment and eventually full-time. In the process it felt as though I was continually recreating myself, fulfilling different roles and purposes. My experience is highly typical based on research as well as my recent focus group.

How can couples stay on track in the midst of these changes? Here are a few suggestions:

Agree as a team about division of labor inside and outside the home. Work toward an understanding that both spouses are equally valued and equally necessary within the household, even when contributing in different ways.

Communicate about needs and expectations, especially when roles change.

Maintain a healthy sense of purpose in the midst of transition. Focus on the positives that come with changing roles and responsibilities and acknowledge what you miss.

Explore your interests and abilities. What are you good at? What do you like to do? How can you use those talents in different ways to fill something that you may miss from a former career?

Create a long-term plan that includes personal goals for both spouses and look at how those plans can be fulfilled as your child grows and develops.

Caring God, we give thinks to you for the children in our lives and for the ways that our lives are blessed through them.  As they grow, we grow right along with them, learning to fulfill a new purpose.  Help us to discover new paths and walk them in a way that is pleasing to you. Amen

The rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken.” Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:22-24 NRS)

Golden Wedding Ring by Danilo Rizzuti courtesy of  FreeDigitalphotos

Focus on Marriage, Part 2: Communication 101

Special Needs Parenting, ,

Golden Wedding Ring by Danilo Rizzuti courtesy of FreeDigitalphotos

Communicating within marriage is a key tool for resilient relationships.  What is communicated?  How is the message shared and received?  As clergy, one of the key skills I review with couples in pre-marital counseling are tools for communication. Engaged couples can’t imagine this will ever be a problem.  Yet, we’ve all witnessed at restaurants the quiet couple at the table who seemingly have nothing to say to each other, eating silently and spending more time on their phones than in communication with each other. What happened?

Good communication, as with any skill, takes intentional practice. In busy lives, communication with a spouse can become shorter and more infrequent over time, especially when there are children. It is easy to let good communication skills slip.Some surveys indicate that couples can spend as little as 15 minutes a day in real communication with each other. Here are a few suggestions to help improve the quality and quantity of communication.

Communication 101

 Set aside time to talk. In busy schedules time for important conversations is easily lost.  By important, I don’t mean wills, and trusts, though they are important too.  Rather, what is important in your spouse’s life? What is important to you? What are your long term dreams as a couple? Try to set asaide 30-45 minutes a few times a week to talk.

 Have an attitude of gratitude. Express appreciation when your spouse does something considerate or helpful, like providing a sleep in day, washing dishes, filling the car with gas, and so forth. Simply saying thank you for the way each person fills the everyday roles in the relationship can help build up the marriage.

 Talk about the things that worry you.  Many parents hold on to grief, guilt, and anxiety about the future.  There can be a sense of embarrassment in sharing these feelings inside the marriage. “I wish I could say to my spouse that I am scared about….” Or “I have never said it out loud, but I feel our child has a disability because of me.”  Communication about these secretly held feelings can be very healing, releasing an emotional burden.

 Express your needs or wants clearly. Be specific when communicating with your spouse. Avoid thinking that he or she can read your mind. If you have a need or expectation, remove the guess work and let your spouse know.

 Model Respectful Listening. Avoid multi-tasking, especially when the topic is serious in nature. Reflective listening is also a good tool.  Repeat back in your own words what you hear your partner say.

 Monitor your mood. No one is in a good mood all the time. If in a bad mood, why is that? Hunger, fatigue, illness, time, expectations? Let your spouse know if you are having a bad day and why. It may help avoid an argument.

The rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken.” Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:22-24 NRS)

Loving God, thank you for the gift of words and expression. Help us to use those gifts to build up our relationships. Amen

Lorna Bradley

“Golden Wedding Ring”  by Danilo Rizzuti courtesy of  FreeDigitalphotos.net

 

Need Project Interview

Special Needs Parenting, Uncategorized, , , ,

Need Project Logo

Last week I had the opportunity to talk to Bob West at Need Project, an organization devoted to supporting families with special needs children and adults.  Their mission: healthy families and healthy children through the creation of pracitcal resources and support for parents of special needs children.

Bob heard about my new book, Special Needs Parenting: From Coping to Thriving, coming out March 2015 and interviewed me for thier monthly podcast. Click the link below to hear the full interview:

Need Project Interview