Focus on Marriage

Special Needs Parenting, , , , , , , ,

Golden Wedding Ring by Danilo Rizzuti courtesy of FreeDigitalphotos

Last week I conducted a small focus group of special needs parents on the topic of marriage.  Two of the most rewarding and most challenging relationships we enter into are that of spouse and parent. Both relationships are full of wonderful rewards, surprises, and joys. They may also be filled with heart-break, miscommunication and challenges.  When a child with extraordinary needs is part of this dynamic, the challenges within relationships can increase exponentially.

Based on the input from my focus group I will be offering to a support group that I lead three weeks of strategies to help strengthen marriages in the areas where they expressed the most concerns.  Each week I will share that information with my readers. Keep an eye out in the coming weeks for ideas related to communication, careers and staying connected.

No one has a perfect marriage, including me.  For that I am grateful. Perfect is over-rated.  Perfect leaves no room for learning, trying new things, exploring life together, making mistakes, and finding forgiveness. Real marriages need work and attention, even more so for those with special needs children. While we are not perfect, we are made for relationships from the moment we are born. Relationships that matter are worth our time and attention.

The rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken.” Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:22-24 NRS)

Loving God, thank you for the realtionships in our lives that sustain us, filling us with love and hope. Help us to strengthen all of our relationships and equip us to repair the ones that are fragile and in need of healing. Amen

Lorna Bradley

“Golden Wedding Ring”  by Danilo Rizzuti courtesy of  FreeDigitalphotos.net

A Bag of Leaves and 13.1 Miles: Piece of Cake!

Autism, Special Needs Parenting, Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

1024px-Leaf_rake_and_leaves

“Let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us.” (Hebrews 12:1 NRSV)

Leaves drop late here in Texas and raking under the red oak on my front lawn is a regular Saturday activity for me lately.  Recently my neighbor called to me from across the street as I worked, “Lorna, did you run that half marathon downtown today?”

Rake. Rake. Rake. “Yes.”

“And you are out here raking leaves?”

Rake. Rake. Rake. “Seems like as good a time as any.”

“Aren’t you tired?”

Rake. Rake. Rake. “Kind of, but it needs to be done.”

Shaking his head as he walks away, “I wish I could find that motivation.”

Running 13.1 miles and raking a bag of leaves isn’t hard.  Coping with autism induced emotional meltdowns in public, now that is hard.  Teaching handwriting to a child with dysgraphia, now that is hard. Getting wheelchairs in and out of stores, now that is hard. Facing a long summer without a single playdate or birthday invitation, now that is hard. Enduring the unwelcome stares of strangers, now that is hard.

As parents, of course we get tired.  Yet we find the motivation because it needs to be done.  In comparison, a bag of leaves and 13.1 miles is a piece of cake!

Enduring God, Give us strength when we are tired, motivation when we want to stop, and hope in you in all things. Amen

Photo: By David Goehring (Flickr: Fall Labors) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

There’s No Place Like Home, There’s No Place Like Home…

Special Needs Parenting, , , ,

Rainbow_Gathering_welcome_home

Three times a year I get to go home and see my mom.  It’s hard living far away. Each time I start to get excited to see her as the date gets closer and I feel sad when I have to leave. Having my next trip already scheduled softens the blow.

There is nothing like going home. It is a welcome respite. I sleep better when I am there and the air in my hometown feels fresher, the colors are brighter, the songs of the birds are sweeter. Whether we are canning peach preserves or baking cookies or going for an adventure to the beach, the days are marked by laughter and new memories. It is true what they say. There is no place like home.

I hope whatever place is home for you is a place that you get to visit often and refresh your soul.

I do not cease to give thanks for you as I remember you in my prayers. (Ephesians 1:16 NRSV)

Renewing God, Thank you for my mom and a respite that renews the soul.  May all be so blessed. Amen.

Photo: Welcome Home with Rainbow Originally uploaded by Jaknouse (Transferred by Gobonobo) (Originally uploaded on en.wikipedia) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Review: No More Peanut Butter Sandwiches by Jeff Davidson

Autism, Special Needs Parenting, , , , , ,

No More Peanut Butter Sandwiches

Jeff Davidson, founder of Rising Above Ministries, authored a must read book for fathers of special needs children.  No More Peanut Butter Sandwiches: A Father, A Son with Special Needs, and Their Journey with God chronicles his life as a special needs parent.  Jeff presents a poignant and transparent look into his thoughts and feelings, offering the reader a chance to connect with the roller coaster of emotions and spiritual challenges that often accompany special needs parenting.  As the father of a child with severe physical challenges as well as autism, Jeff’s journey resonates across a variety special needs life circumstances. Each chapter is grounded in his theological understanding of God’s grace and love.

Jeff is passionate about filling the gap of support for special needs dads.  He discusses in an opening chapter the need to reach out and encourage dads in particular due to a trend that he calls “vacant dads.” Having walked the journey as a special needs father, Jeff offers unique insights about how to avoid the pitfalls that make it so tempting to “check out.” His is a positive and encouraging message that in no way sugar-coats the reality of hard days.  His voice of wisdom and experience guide the way on a journey toward acceptance, revealing moments that transcend real time when God steps into everyday life with Jeff and his son.

Jeff has created the No More Vacant Dads Initiative, a positive ministry with a mission to preserve, encourage and equip special needs dads. Still in the start-up phase, there is a long-term vision for coaching and mentoring.  You can learn more about Jeff’s ministry through GoodnightSuperman.com.

About the Author: Jeff Davidson is the founder and President/CEO of Rising Above Ministries, a national special needs ministry serving special needs families. A pastor, speaker, and author, Jeff says he was chosen to be the dad of a son with special needs, and called by God to minister to those in the special needs community. Rising Above was birthed by Jeff, and his wife Becky, based upon their own experiences raising their son with profound special needs.   In addition to his own blog, GoodnightSuperman.com, Jeff also is a contributing author to the blog Not Alone SpecialNeedsParenting.net and he writes atComfortinTheMidstofChaos.com. In addition, Jeff is a team member and special-needs writer at 1Corinthians13Parenting.com. He also serves on the advisory team and blogs at Disability Matters WhyDisabilityMatters.org.

 

I Have A Dream, Too

Special Needs Parenting, Uncategorized, , , , , , , ,

Martin_Luther_King_-_March_on_Washington

Then afterward I will pour out my spirit on all flesh; your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, and your young men shall see visions.(Joel 2:28 NRS)

Four iconic words ring the air today. They are woven into the fabric of our nation even as they help us celebrate the life, vision and ministry of a man gone too soon.

“I have a dream …”

Standing up for justice and creating social change is hard.  It takes vision and determination. It takes breaking down walls and stereotypes and creating in their place dialogue and relationships. It takes embracing a dream and working diligently with others to make it a reality. It also takes time. Lots of time.

Thinking of Dr. King, he has inspired a nation and set in motion a movement that continues beyond his years.  He alsp left as his legacy a model for change.

Listening to his speech once more makes me realize that I have a dream, too.

I have a dream that all children, on or off the spectrum, with or without a genetic difference, with or without typical body, will have friends. I have a dream that bullying will end and understanding will take its place. I have a dream that child and adult alike will be accommodated for their differences out of a sense of equality and compassion. I have a dream that everyone who wants to be part of a church will find ministries ready to receive them.  I have a dream that no parent will feel alone on the journey with special needs.  I have a dream that all families, whatever their shape and size, will grow in resilience rather than being torn apart by disability. I have a dream that communities full of understanding will offer refuge, hope and healing for the heart and soul.

My dream keeps me up late at night and prompts me out of bed early in the morning. My dream makes “good enough” not an option. My dream leaves me exhausted and stretched too thin at times, but filled with joy and hope as well. My dream connects me with others who share my vision for social change in the area of special needs and work toward it diligently. My dream keeps me grounded in God’s path for me and guides what I do every day.

I will never be the leader Dr. King was, but he inspires me with what is possible. I too have a role to play in making the collective dreams of many families living with disability become reality. We all do.

When you dream of the future, what do you see?  How are you helping that dream come a step closer day by day?

God of our visions, thank you for directing us to better live as your people. Help us to always strive for your justice. Create for us a dream for the world as you would have it and inspire us to follow your vision. Amen.

 

“Martin Luther King – March on Washington” by Unknown? – This media is available in the holdings of the National Archives and Records Administration, cataloged under the ARC Identifier (National Archives Identifier) 542069. Public Domain.

Six Things Special Needs Parents Wish You Knew

Special Needs Parenting, , , , ,

Pencil with Cheklist by cuteimage

“So I say to you, Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. 10 For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. (Luke 11:9-10 NRS)

While the special needs world can feel isolating, many times there are people in our lives who want to reach out in a meaningful way but are unsure what to do. At times concerns about causing offense or being intrusive create barriers to understanding.  Bridging the communication gap with special needs families can open the door to supportive resources that improve family and personal resilience. Jesus teaching to ask, seek and knock ring true. Here are a few suggestions that may help improve understanding of the world of a special needs parent:

  1. We can use help from time to time, but may feel uncomfortable asking for it. It doesn’t have to be something big. Even a small gesture like picking up a prescription at the store or meeting a child as they get off the bus can be a big help. If a family has a child with fragile health or impaired mobility, having a list of folks to call on can be a life saver.
  2. We need friends. Special needs parenting can be isolating due to differences. We appreciate it when people make the effort to reach out. It is hard for us to do so because we often receive rejection.
  3. We like to be included. At times our families have a hard time being part of activities due to physical, intellectual or behavioral differences. We may be hesitant to try new things. It’s nice to be invited and then welcomed if we feel brave enough to try something new.
  4. We need to talk. An important part of coping well with stress is being able to share with others. It helps process feelings. It is validating to be heard.
  5. Our “normal” family day may look different than that of other families, but it is neither tragic nor heroic. It is simply different.
  6. We don’t mind answering questions. A great way to build bridges is simply to understand the differences with which we live. Approach the discussion from a positive perspective rather than, “What’s wrong with…?” Perhaps try, “Since your son is non-verbal please teach me how to communicate with him,” or “I would like to have your daughter over for a play day and I understand she sometimes has seizures. Can you teach me what to do if that happens at my home?”

 

Gracious God, help us share our story in a way that others can hear and understand. Amen.

Photo: “Pencil with Checklist” Image courtesy of cuteimage at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

 

 

What Gift Can I Bring?

Special Needs Parenting, , , , ,

Nativity lights

“You are such a liturgical nerd.”

Yes, I am! I’ll claim that one.  On New Year’s Day, with the Rose Parade on TV in the background, we “de-Christmased” the indoors. Tree down, mantle back to normal, parade of tin angels paraded back into their box until next year, and so forth. That just left the outdoors.

My husband asked, “When do you want to take down the nativity outside?”

“We can’t until Epiphany, January 6.”

While stores have turned the twelve days of Christmas into day after day of sales leading up to December 25, the twelve days of Christmas actually follow December 25, figuratively representing the amount of time it took the magi to travel to Bethlehem and present their gifts to the Christ child. They were most generous with gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

In the time of King Herod, after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea, wise men from the East came to Jerusalem, asking, “Where is the child who has been born king of the Jews? For we observed his star at its rising, and have come to pay him homage.” (Matthew 2:1-2 NRSV)

The birth of a baby is a great gift giving occasion. Parents are in need of many things, not the least of which is support. Recently I took two meals to friends who are new parents, plus a gift card for a pedi for mom to get away for some self-care when she needs it. These parents do not have extended family here so they are on their own if not for their friends.

Major life events warrant connection with friends and family, plus offers of support and encouragement. At times in the special needs community, those outside the family are not sure how to reach out in a meaningful way.  Dr. Matt Stanford, my new executive director at The Hope and Healing Institute, has a particular passion for connecting the church with those struggling with mental health issues.  He refers to mental illness as the “no casserole diagnosis.” For some diagnoses there is an outpouring of compassion and assistance, cancer comes to mind. For other diagnoses, not so much. As with many special needs diagnoses, friends and even family are sometimes unsure how to respond. Sadly, for many families the response they receive is isolation rather than connection, silence rather than understanding.

What would it look like to embrace special needs families at the birth of their child, or time of diagnosis? What are the equivalents of gold, frankincense and myrrh to these families? The magi knew instinctively the right gifts for Christ: gold for a king, frankincense for Jesus’ priestly role, and myrrh for his role as a healer. What do today’s parents need? The priceless gift of time is as valuable as gold. The spiritual gift of prayer strengthens families. Finally, the healing power of a listening ear renews a weary mind.

As a special needs parent, in what meaningful way have others reached out to you?

Giving God, thank you for the gift of Christ. Thank you for the giving hearts of our friends and families who support us when we need it most. Amen.

 

What Time Is It?

Special Needs Parenting, , , , , ,

Bar Harbor

Three, two, one… Happy New Year! New Year’s Eve always brings to mind evenings with my cousins when I was growing up.  The adults dressed up and went out. We kids ate pizza, played board games and stayed in with Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve.  As the New Year drew closer we ran through the house checking all of the clocks so that we would know the exact time of midnight. So many clocks with so many differences, “What time is it? What time? Is now the time?”

The New Year is a great opportunity to take stock of what time it is in our lives.  We all go through seasons. That is a normal part of life. The wisdom text of Ecclesiastes reminds us of those seasons.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: 2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; 7 a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NRS)

One of the more puzzling lines for me is, “a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together.”  Neither of those practices are part of my everyday life. In the agricultural society of ancient Israel, throwing away stones was part of preparing the fields. Israel has fertile land, but is also very rocky.  While preparing the fields a farmer would throw stones out of the plowed land to make way for the coming planting season.  The fewer rocks in the field, the more productive the soil.

It is far too easy to hold onto stones that do not serve us well, making us less content: grief, guilt, and anger, to name a few. These are all valid feelings and each has a season, but when is it time to cast them away?

What about, “a time to gather stones together?” In ancient Israel when people made a covenant, or wanted to remember a time and place in which God’s presence was made known, they gathered stones into a small stack. This served as a reminder of what God had done in that place and the covenant that was made.

In a way, throwing away stones and gathering stones together are much like our New Year’s resolutions.  It’s letting go of something that does not serve us well and marking a promise for a new tomorrow. Is now the time? What do you want to do differently in your life? How can you remind yourself and keep that promise? How can you invite God into a fresh start in a new year? As you enter the New Year, give over to God the stones that weigh you down and celebrate with joy the new year filled with new possiblities.

Holy God, Thank you for the way you make all things new.  You are the God of wonder and possibilities. Renew us in this New Year that we better reflect the image of you that you call us to be. Amen.

Photo: Bar Harbor Altar by Lorna Bradley

 

Christmas Eve Gift!

Special Needs Parenting, , , , , , ,

512px-Maino-adoracion_reyes

In that region there were shepherds living in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 Then an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for see– I am bringing you good news of great joy for all the people: 11 to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign for you: you will find a child wrapped in bands of cloth and lying in a manger.” (Luke 2:8-12 NRS)

I share my grandfather’s birthday, Christmas Eve.  He was the seventh son out of sixteen children. His family had modest gifts at Christmas, one per child. His parents had a tradition that whoever woke up first on Christmas Eve would get an extra present to sweeten the deal.  Since my grandfather’s birthday gift and Christmas gift were often combined into one gift (he noted of exactly the same value as what everyone received), he was highly motivated to claim the prize by being the first one Christmas Eve morning to shout out, “Christmas Eve gift!”

Apparently he renewed the tradition the year I was born early on a Christmas Eve. I’m told he ran through the house like a giddy child, “Christmas Eve gift! Christmas Eve gift!” The birth of a baby eclipsed the rest of the holiday festivities.

The birth of a baby changes everything. The birth of one particular baby changed the world.

My prayer for you today is that the joy of the gift of the Christ child fills your soul. A fragment of the Christmas carol “O Little Town of Bethlehem” keeps coming to mind, “The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.” May Christ fulfill your hopes and calm your fears. May you get to simplify Christmas, enjoy the day with family, and may the spirit of Christ be born in you anew today. I can think of no better Christmas Eve gift.

Christmas Blessings!

Rev Doc Lorna

Photo:  Juan Bautista Maíno [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

 

 

 

Joseph: The Quiet One in Back

Special Needs Parenting, , , , , , , , ,

Domenico di Pace Beccafumi [Public domain or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons (2)

Overheard unpacking a nativity set one year when Joseph was misplaced, “You know, we really don’t need Joseph.  If we don’t find Joseph it wouldn’t matter.”

Huh?

“You have to have Mary and you have to have Jesus, but Joseph isn’t necessary.”

I beg to differ.  Joseph is INCREDIBLY necessary. The Bible doesn’t tell us much about Joseph. You can read the passages in which he is mentioned in a few minutes, but you can also paint quite a portrait of the man who raised Jesus.

Foremost, he was faithful. He was faithful to Mary and he was faithful to God.

This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit. 19 Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly. 20 As he considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. “Joseph, son of David,” the angel said, “do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit. 21 And she will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.” All of this occurred to fulfill the Lord’s message through his prophet: 23 “Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’ ” 24 When Joseph woke up, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded and took Mary as his wife. (Mat 1:18-24 NLT) 

It is easy to lose sight of what is remarkable when the story is so well known.  The way that Joseph remained present and committed is commendable.  In the special needs community it is also rare.  One of the advisors of my ministry is Steve Rhatigan, an attorney who helps families plan for the financial future of their children.  On our first meeting he shared with me that all too often the dads “check out” and moms raise their children solo. He helps families deal with the hard side of that reality.  What he told me wasn’t news.  I’m far too familiar with the statistics.

What about the example of Joseph? Joseph stayed when it was hard. Joseph stayed when the custom of his day was to leave. Joseph stayed and protected the family.

After the wise men were gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up! Flee to Egypt with the child and his mother,” the angel said. “Stay there until I tell you to return, because Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.”

 14 That night Joseph left for Egypt with the child and Mary, his mother,  15 and they stayed there until Herod’s death. This fulfilled what the Lord had spoken through the prophet: “I called my Son out of Egypt.” (Mat 2:13-15 NLT)

It would be nice to think it was easy for Joseph to do the right thing.  I doubt it was.  He fled his country with his family under fear of death. He eventually returned with them to Nazareth where there was likely small town gossip.  He parented an extraordinary child and it wasn’t easy. I wonder, where did Joseph find support?

Today, Jeff Davidson seeks to fill that gap for fathers.  He founded Rising Above Ministry and authored the book “No More Peanut Butter Sandwiches” about his journey as a special needs dad.  Realizing the unmet need for support for dads, he founded the “No More Vacant Dads” initiative.  This is a positive ministry with a mission to preserve, encourage and equip special needs dads. Still in the start-up phase, there is a long-term vision for coaching and mentoring.  You can learn more about Jeff’s ministry through GoodnightSuperman.com.

I see Jeff’s mission in ministry as equipping dads who have the heart of Joseph. Joseph was the nurturer, the equipper, the protector and the faithful follower of God. We need Joseph in the story. He is so much more than the quiet one in the back.

Father God, we thank you for the example of Joseph and for his faithfulness to you. It is so hard when times are challenging.  It is so tempting to walk away. Nurture fathers with your courage and strength. Help each parent, mothers and fathers alike, find the heart of Joseph.  Amen.

Photo: Domenico di Pace Beccafumi [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons